Rule One: If you pull into my driveway
and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck
not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter
in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
Rule Five: In order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues
of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from
you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are
a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front
hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.